we have lots of fears, one is that the rainy season is coming

Since returning from the beach, the girls and I have stayed inside for the past two days and played with all of Adelaide's new toys and crafts she received for her birthday. She's a real ballerina with real ballerina slippers now.Thank you to Aunt Talina for the beautiful personalized Disney Princess quilt. This was a lot of work and Addie loves it. She immediately wanted to get wrapped up in it.We've been taking it slow and things have felt really lazy because the weather is turning gray and rainy. There has been thunder storms and rain showers which means that the rainy season is on it's way to Manila. Apparently it's not officially rainy season until it rains every day for a week. Addie screams at night when ever there is thunder. Everything scares this poor girl now. While at the beach we experienced some sand flea bites and Tuesday night resulted in some serious night terrors about bugs. She dreamed of them all night long; waking and screaming and cowering at her headboard pointing at the invisible bugs coming to get her that only she could see. It was pretty awful. She ended up in bed with her Daddy superhero while I got the bug bed. The next day we made sure to have her help us change her sheets and magically get rid of any bug there might be in the house. She's also terrified of the storage compartment door that is next to her bed. Sometimes our upstairs neighbors will drop something on the floor and she freaks out thinking someone is knocking on that door. I had lots of irrational fears as a little girl and needed things just right to go to sleep. I remember needing the hall bathroom light on and my door three inches cracked. One of my dolls with creepy eyes had to be in my view so I could simultaneously keep watch and cower from the doll. I was scared of lots of things. I think it's pretty normal for Addie to be scared but tough when it keeps us awake all night long.

While on the topic of scary subjects, I will say a few words about a terrifying experience we had on Monday night. I fear it's also why I haven't wanted to leave the house and let my babies out of my sight for even one second. We had a slightly chaotic dinner after returning from the airport on Monday, Cora was at the house, both girls were excited to be home and see her and the toys. We were trying to get dinner in the kids before a bath and crashing to bed since they were both exhausted. We were all in the kitchen, Cora was holding Bella trying to get her to eat her dinner. She gagged, Justin helped Bella empty a mouthful of food she was holding onto, something was still causing her to gag. Justin tipped her face downward and pounded her back. She started to scream, the food continued to cause her to gag or she inhaled the food further and turned bright red (we aren't sure). For an instant we thought she was in the middle of a noiseless scream that she is so famous for. Quickly, we realized that was not the case but that she did have the food in her throat and couldn't breath. I knelt down under her as Cora held her, Justin grabbed the phone to dial the nurse on duty, in a second she was purple and her held fell forward a little bit as if she was passing out. Without thinking my instincts kicked in and I grabbed her, held her face forward angled downward and swept my finger along her cheek and down the backside of her throat as far and I could dislodging the food and felt her breath again. She screamed and I held her and and tried to keep myself together while quietly thanking God that she was breathing again. The entire incident probably occurred in less than 30 seconds but will be imprinted in my mind for a lifetime. I proceeded to weep the rest of the evening. She fell asleep in my arms after her bottle not 30 minutes after she was choking and I just couldn't put her down to sleep. I held her for awhile crying knowing that in that instant she wavered on the ledge of life or death and seeing her not breathing and purple in my arms is the very closest thing to terror I have ever experienced. That image haunts me now and probably forever will. Arabella is fine and she will never remember choking but we will. Justin and I know it won't be the last time our children give us a heart attack and especially our over confident, risk taking Bella will surely give us more concern than her fair share. She's a walking accident waiting to happen on a daily basis right now.It's safe to say I'm a changed Mother. Any Mom who has held their child as they struggle for breath and struggle for life will never be the same again. There is just no way you can. God favors small children and I praise Him for that. It's in the past and behind me but not forgotten. I just give Bella extra big kisses and extra long squeezes. Silently, I say a few more prayers for my girls every day now. Please God keep them safe and give me strength and calm to do the right thing in a scary situation.

Clearly Bella's fine. Trying to explain to her that the water activity play set wasn't for her to sit in was a mute (I meant moot. My husband was quick to point this out to me. I need a writing class) point. In she went.