Mama guilt

I'm finding that so much of being a good Mama comes with loads of guilt; and I'm the only one making myself feel guilty. I've had a hard time lately grappling with the idea that I have nothing but my own self assessment on whether I'm doing this Mom thing right. Sure, everyone reassures me I'm a good Mom but seriously, I'm not their Mom. I'm Mom to the two little blondies I just tucked into bed (with mixed feelings of love and relief). Addie and Bella don't get to do quarterly assessments on my performance as their Mom and I never get constructive criticism from them accept when Addie yells "No" as I tell her she needs to leave the lolly pop in the bowl until after she's eaten her dinner. Being a stay at home Mom is my full time job and lately I've been thinking about what would have been totally unacceptable at my office job with Booz Allen Hamilton is quite normal in the current position I'm in. Suddenly I'm re-thinking whether I'm giving it 110% as a Mom. In my old job I used to constantly look for new ways to do things, kept my skills fresh, streamlined my daily tasks so I could do work above and beyond what was asked of me. Why can't I do that as a Mom too? Instead I find myself getting stuck in ruts of plugging in a video after nap time or feeding Addie the same grilled cheese for lunch. I will often daydream about the novel I'm currently reading and how I can't wait to get the girls to bed so I can escape to that world before I sleep myself. Assessing that behavior from my old work perspective makes me look like I'm not striving for excellence.

That being said, if I were to complete a performance assessment for myself over the past year I'd probably be making the case that I deserved a promotion (since giving birth a second time and doubling my overall workload with a demanding not-so-easy baby to boot). Sadly, there are no promotions for motherhood and I'm ok with that. Watching my girls develop day to day is reward enough. For my own piece of mind and so I don't feel quite so guilty all the time I'm going to try to stay on my A game more often. I know it's ok to have a bad Mom day here and there but I owe it to my girls to be the best I can be the majority of the time.

I've instituted no TV watching during the weekdays since Justin left. Addie's much more manageable when getting ready for school. TV just seems to put the laze in her. Instead she can read books on the couch in the morning. I don't think she even misses the cartoons. No more junk for snacks! Today Addie and I made homemade cheesy chickpea crackers with whole wheat and flax. They taste so yummy and we had so much fun making them together! Bella helped too. I know being a good Mom isn't just about the things I do or the rules I enforce. I know it's about much more than keeping my girls clothed and fed. It's really about love and relationships and teaching and building a family. I'm doing those things as best I can too. For now I'm keeping the Mama guilt away by throwing in a few new things here and there. It's all worth it when Addie says "I love you Mommy... -indecipherable mumble jumble-...my heart" which is her two year old version of "I love you with all my heart".